Today is Extraterrestrial Abduction Day. What do you plan to do to celebrate?
For our future alien overlords, here are some tips for future invasion plans and reconnaissance:
Send probes first
No, not that kind of probe. That comes later.
There is absolutely no reason to ever set foot on the planet until you know everything about it, especially what dangers it holds. Jumping out the airlock sans-environmental suit to be the first boots on the ground sounds heroic, until you find out acid regularly rains from the sky or rhinovirus is just on everything and good galactic gods humans are gross infectious things.
Pick your specimens carefully
Don't pick the person who, when pushed to defend themselves, becomes a one-man (or woman) army and obliterates your fleet while quipping one liners. Don't go for that guy's children, significant other, or comedic sidekick, either. Stick to people no one likes - the abuser, the bully, or the internet troll are all good choices - everyone loves it when karma catches up to someone.
Better yet, skip all the messy probing and just steal a biology textbook.
Don't make martyrs, make clowns
When your cover is inevitably blown, don't hunt down the noble resistance movement without mercy. That just convinces people they're on to something. Photoshop them into tinfoil hats instead, maybe write a mocking blog or tweet, and let the internet take it from there.
Make sure your tech is secure
Make sure that whatever tech you bring to Earth with you can't be hijacked by spunky joyriding kids, hacked with a standard laptop, or operated by the aforementioned one-man army types. You're light years ahead of us on the technology curve - surely you can put in some two-step authentication or biometrics.
